1. Sing bad poetry to dull background music. If nobody can make sense of the lyrics, it must be good.
2. Sing anything in a heavy English accent to any background music. If nobody can understand what you’re saying, then it must be brilliant.
3. Make sure your song has no structure whatsoever. Any hint of a chorus that is repeated is bad news. Apparently no structure = brilliant.
4. If you are going to have structure in your song, make sure your voice is horrible and/or raspy. Make it clear you do nothing but smoke cigarettes when you’re not singing. This is apparently brilliant as well.
5. Repetitive lyrics with a non-repetitive background track is also apparently brilliant. If the song volume builds from start to finish, this is a bonus. Brilliant.
6. If everyone in your band has the same last name and you don’t claim to be virgins, then whatever you write will be fine. Brilliance is apparently genetic. Long hair helps too. But again — not if you’re virgins.
7. If you were successful in the 60s or 70s, anything you write now will be brilliant. You’re pretty much assured a Grammy nomination. If you’re from the 50s you’re out of luck.
8. If your song is nowhere to be found on mainstream radio, it must be brilliant.
9. If your song makes use of any variety of honky-tonk instruments but doesn’t fall within the honky-tonk genre, you’re brilliant.
10. Your song is probably brilliant if your band name was created with a bullshit generator.
11. Do not, under any circumstances allow your song to sell more than 100,000 copies unless at least 10 celebrities are on-board with you. Then it’s fine and brilliant.
12. No matter how brilliant your song is, if it hits #1 on Billboard Hot 100, it loses all credibility.
13. If your lyrics exhibit frustration, indicate impending suicide, or rage against the boss that fired you at The Gap, it’s probably brilliant.
14. If you’re a rap artist who has been on stage with a previously successful rap artist and have muttered at least one “Yo” or “Hey” during that successful rap artist’s performance. You’re likely to be brilliant when you release your song too.
15. If you can rhyme things quickly, the song will be brilliant.
16. If you’re going to use electronic background music, make sure the vocal is as weak as possible. This is brilliant too.
17. A drunk-sounding voiceover at any point during the song will add brilliance points immediately.
18. If you are singing country, make sure your voice sounds as twangy as possible in your song even if you don’t have a noticeable twang when you speak normally. Twang is brilliant.
19. If there are two vocalists in your band, make sure the combination of your voices sounds like absolute shit. The song will be brilliant.
20. If you’re an R&B artist, you’re pretty much screwed. The ONLY circumstance where your song will be considered brilliant is if it’s sung to a rock-sounding background track.
21. If you’re female, make sure you can play guitar and/or piano. And make sure your song puts whoever listens to it to sleep. And sound like you just popped a few downers. The combo is brilliant.
22. Give away your song for free online in protest of a record company. It doesn’t matter what is in the song. This whole sales mechanism is apparently brilliant.
23. If your song is written in a major key, find a way to make it sad or else it won’t be brilliant.
24. Better yet, don’t risk it. Write in minor keys only. Anything written in a minor key is brilliant.
25. Hit a cowbell at least once in your song. It can be covered up with your horrible vocal. It doesn’t matter. Just do it. This is brillant.